Dead_Phil__350 (1)The following is satire

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA) —Less than a week after  declaring he did not see his shadow but did see four more years of an Obama in  office, Punxsutawney Phil, the famed weather-forecasting groundhog of  Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, has been found dead in the town’s square.   Adding to the shock and tragedy of Punxsutawney Phil’s death is its apparent  cause:suicide, and the reason behind it.

Authorities say the prognosticating rodent took his own life over night,   just hours after predicting an early spring last Saturday morning along with  four more years of Obama in the White House.  Said a sobbing Punxsutawney  Police Chief Thomas N. Fedigan Jr. to reporters, Sunday, “It appears  Phil, our beloved groundhog, took his own life by a single gunshot to his  temple.  A nine-millimeter handgun was found next to him …There are no  signs of foul play.  A suicide note has also been found scratched into a  wooden light pole near Phil.”

Clawed into the light post next to Phil’s frozen corpse were Phil’s last  poetic and cryptic writs: “A thousand more years of winter to Obama’s  mere four.  I saw what I saw yesterday, thus can carry on no  more!”

“This is a truly sad day,” Chief Fedigan said, “not only for Punxsutawney,  but lovers of Groundhog Day everywhere, for the whole nation.”

Last Saturday’s Groundhog Day was the  first time Phil had been out of his burrow since the November 6th election,  thus learning of a second Obama term for the first time.  And apparently,  according to the deceased marmot, seeing four more years of Obama in office was  enough to send the long assumed apolitical hermit over the edge.  Although  Phil still remained composed and conducted his duties as usual throughout the  127-year-old ceremony Saturday, seeing an early Spring, he never let on to the  turmoil brewing within him after also seeing a President Obama in year  2017.

Stunned Punxsutawney residents stood around the crime scene as Phil’s furry  body was scooped up with a shovel and taken to the county coroner for an  autopsy, although his cause of death is palpable.  Many cried and hugged  each other, completely in shock, while others wiped tears reservedly, simply  saying they were surprised at the famous hog’s drastic actions.  “I knew  Phil wasn’t an Obama fan,” said Ron  Plaucha, this year’s presenter and handler of Punxsutawney Phil, “but I  didn’t think he would be this upset over (Obama’s)  reelection.  Oh, dear Lord!  No!”

State and local investigators have been searching Phil’s reclusive burrow in  Punxsutawney’s Gobbler’s Knob since his stiff 8-pound body was discovered around  6:30 Sunday morning.  Authorities have made no official statements on what  they have uncovered in Phil’s den, but sources close to the investigation report  the wall’s of the famous woodchuck’s lair to be covered in dreary articles about  America’s foreign policies, economy and society since 2009.  Another and  much more lengthy suicide note was reportedly found next to an empty bottle of  Jim Beam and Xanax, to which the buck-toothed rodent was rumored to be  addicted.

An anonymous source within Punxsutawney’s formidable 11-member police force  told Duh  Progressive Sunday, “We can’t say much detail, but there is another  (suicide) note.   (Phil) talks a lot about America’s stagnant  economy … mentions 50-million people on food stamps, massive layoffs,  unsustainable spending … ‘takers’ versus ‘makers’ … cheapest cost of  Obamacare being $20,000 per family … giving weapons to radical Muslim  regimes … a ‘President Barack O-Boo-Boo’  — referencing TLC’s “Honey  Boo-Boo” — … a whole nation turning into some morbid ‘techno-driven pop  collectivist cult’  … Yep, seems Phil wrote a lot of depressing stuff  before offing himself.” End of Groundhog Day Spawns Day of  Irony     As America is now left grappling  with Phil’s politically inspired suicide, some longtime opponents of the  buck-toothed-dwelling groundhog are actually applauding his demise.  Said  documentary film maker and political activist Michael Moore to reporters Sunday, “Punxsutawney ‘the punk’ Phil never mentioned global warming or racism or  capitalist greed or the war on women in his predictions.  Not once  — once! —  in his hundred-year existence did Phil mention the plight  of Native Americans, or gays, or minorities.  I’m glad he’s dead!”

MSNBC’s Sunday news anchor, Alex Witt, also lauded Punxsutawney Phil’s  suicide, stating: “If anyone …particularly some giant gerbil whose only talent  was predicting six weeks of weather is really that insecure to kill itself over  who the president is, then he probably should.”

Added Witt, “Perhaps fellow Obama-haters should  follow Punkawhoever Phil’s lead.  Really, do us all a  favor and end yourselves.”

Back in Punxsutawney, however, Moore and Witt’s comforting words are lost on  a town not only devastated by the loss of their famous furry soothsayer, but  also their only source of notoriety, thus tourism, thus income.  

Mayor Jim “Snake” Wehrle (yes, we know: what the mayor of a town like  Punxsutawney is doing with the nickname “Snake” is just as baffling to us,  too), told the AP that due to Phil’s death, Punxsutawney  could lose nearly half its jobs, ironically adding another possible 3,000 people  to the skyrocketing welfare rolls Phil allegedly raged about in his secluded den  of despair. 

     “But (Obama) isn’t the only person Phil said he  was upset about seeing for four more years of,” claimed the anonymous  source from Punxsutawney’s police department to Duh  Progressive, glancing about nervously.  “It seems Phil also wrote: ‘Unfortunately I also cannot see Michael Moore not blowing his brains out within  the next four years, either.  All the more reason I should now.  I’m  sorry, cursed humanity!  Goodbye and good riddance.’ … Creepy, huh?” ______________________________________________________________________ UPDATE: The Associated Press has reported that as of  1:32 P.M. Punxsutawney Mayor Jim “Snake” Wehrle committed suicide after learning  filmmaker Michael Moore was indeed still alive. **Don’t Forget to  Follow ’Duh  Progressive‘ on TWITTER & FACEBOOK**

The preceding is satire.